What She Wanted To Say
by Elizabeth Drake
from Jaiphur to Delhi airport
cow
truck
tuk tuk
bicycle
cow
swerve
no horn
truck
behind
left
right
horn
horn
horn
blow horn
written on the back of the truck
blow horn
does it mean
I will stay in my lane
you can pass
on either side?
looks like it
a matter of trust
or is it luck?
interesting
when two cars
are heading directly
towards each other
no brake
just swerve
bobby our driver says
horn
brake
luck
don’t see much of brake
a backdown
stop maybe
for half an hour
get out
check the obstruction
wouldn’t you know
tourists
bus stopped for photographs
damn tourists
hang on …
the morning of divali in Varanasi
1.
full on déjà vu
she wants to say
she died in Varanasi
sometime in the past
for sure
one hundred percent
not talking is a gift
the mosquito and I
eye it off
it is on the blue rail
woke up this morning
with the song
in my head
this will be the day
that I die
then full-on déjà vu
I died here once
2.
taste sense
the hot sun
is up
the men are washing in the ganges
element water
the camels
on the mud bank
emotional atmosphere
purifying
3.
the hand of the musician playing the flute
follows the breath
his foot marking
the rhythm
his eyes flashing
his smile
throughout his music
the sunglasses
the rock star
the hand of the musician
follows the breath
his eyes are smiling
something that sounds like kundalini yoga
across the way
the fires
the pyres
the piles of wood
the rippling of the water
always rippling
that sun is hot
full on déjà vu
one hundred per cent
I have been
on the ganges
before
maybe burnt
on the banks
4.
she wanted to say
that she had been ‘burned
on the banks of the ganges’
cremated
that she had been here
before
no question
in Varanasi
for sure
5.
the flute playing musician tells us
from 6 am
every three hours
a different raga
every three hours is
eight ragas
the musician says
ten mother ragas
- seven beats 1212123
or 1231212
2) 16 beats
dee na dee na
dee dee na
ninth beat in sixteen
hand goes out
all things must pass
all things must pass away
always smiling
every three hours
is eight ragas
dorian mode
raga
evening prayer
6.
lord shiva
whispering
in the ear of the dead body
same as
tibetan book of the dead
the spirit is lingering after death
throw the ashes of the body
into the river gangha
thirteen days for the soul to depart
in the hindu religion
longer
in the tibetan book of the dead
five elements
only understood through love
7.
you came to Varanasi
to create a myth
your own myth
your own story
whatever it is
the smile with the boat attendant
we know
poem from kabir
are you looking for me?
I am in the next seat
my shoulder is against yours
tibetan encounter
one child
in front of lyn
she pauses and offers money
second child
third child
one sleeping in rags
under the bridge
two four
three five
I am overwhelmed
raymond says
it will be different inside
the tibetan camp
she (ella) is showing me
how to write
in tibetan
I can write
I am ten years old
in tibetan
in tibetan script
I am
has an i and an m
to me now
it looks exactly like
I am
ella’s diary
her favourite book
I write in her diary
ella’s diary is secret
tenzin choesang
in my notebook
written in tibetan
ten means tibetan buddhism
zin means carrier or carrier of
you are tenzin
I say
yes she says
she tells me
she has been to a conference in dharamshala
last friday
I met the dalai lama
the conference is to free tibet
a pledge is written
a promise to free tibet
signed by all
do you think tibet will be free?
yes she says
her eyes are gleaming
for that moment
I am ten
and full of hope
she is twenty something
she tells me
two bicycle rides
one conference
one dalai lama
her school
built on a rubbish tip
the only education
in the tibetan language
the light in their eyes
now they attend delhi university
studying politics and finance
two young women
the light in their eyes
from the boat on the river gangha
square buildings
square windows
red tower of worship
second red tower
third red tower
fourth red tower
red gate
fifth red tower
square buildings
square windows
white tower
postcard from India
one woman
second woman
third woman
fourth woman
into the distance
oh
one man
one snake
second snake
bending
in service
third snake
fourth snake
what is service in India
to serve
I serve
you serve
he/she serves
I was asked
would I serve the religion
would I serve the man
no I said
instead
into the distance
into the unknown
unexpected
for me
one crown
two arms
two lips
two lips
two lips
two lips
two lips
what she wanted to say
love
even at the hardest times
from joseph campbell
on nietzsche
love your adversary
it will guide you
to your own truth
you know
as you have always known
across all cultures
for me
honestly
hard to accept
truth is hard
your own truth is beautiful
a contradiction
© Elizabeth Drake Nov 2023.
Elizabeth Drake began her career as a concert pianist when she won the national ABC Concerto and Vocal Competition aged 21 and has finished up (well almost) as a film composer winning the AFI-AACTA Award for Best Original Score for a Feature Film. She would like to produce a theatre work that would involve her piano performance and text reflecting her life and is grateful for any push and shove in the direction of writing a performative memoir
Elizabeth was one of thirteen writers and artists to join Jan Cornall on a Writer’s Journey trip to India with Blue Swan Events in November 2023.
Photos by Jan Cornall except for Ganges sunrise by Robin Bower.
